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Loving and loving makes it hard for people with fear of closeness

Being able to accept being a part of loving is just as essential as being able to give and express love: to neither forbid nor forbid feelings to clearly name all emotions (especially the negative ones) after feeling them in fullness to be able to say that one loves and stands without fear of closeness or fear of separation/rejection to show that you love someone

People who suffer from fear of relationships in the sense of fear of closeness and distance are emotionally unavailable because they do not want to feel or provide their feelings. Even if the fear of disappointment resonates with these feelings or the other is less good in dealing with his feelings.

People with a fear of closeness and attachment anxiety have difficulty engaging with themselves (and their own feelings in them) and allowing themselves to endure their feelings, to trust themselves, to re-believe and trust others. For many, in addition to the “normal”  fear of loss , the fear of being abandoned, also separation anxiety , the fear to separate (and to hurt the other, to be guilty or to give the feeling that he was “not enough” / not enough “- just as many of them feel themselves).

Most people who suffer from fear of relationship, fear of closeness and distance are emotionally unavailable because they do not want to feel, feel, or reveal their feelings. They are afraid that when they embark on a relationship, they are in for another painful experience. Relationships that last for years are the worst of my experiences and the responses of my clients: The longer a relationship lasts, the harder it is too emotionally detached from the human being. And so, partnership and love get in touch with separation and loss, pain, heteronomy and feelings of abandonment. Many break out in their own way when the fear becomes too strong, through much work or distraction such as sports, drugs or secret affairs. They break quarrels or become more and more silent and withdraw themselves.

But they rarely want to hurt someone just as they were hurt. Therefore, they are less inclined to draw a line in long-term relationships when they have come this far. Many let the partner do it. They do not want to be guilty and do not want to pass on the same painful and disappointing things they experienced themselves. If one has separation anxiety, then often the feeling of the debt is to blame, what should be avoided. Be it the fault of the partner or your own, because guilt wants to be borne and weighs heavily. So if a person enters into a partnership with fear of closeness and separation, it either lasts only for a short time or he makes sure that he has possibilities for the outbreak, the escape keeps open: Relatively often are the secret affair, regular cheating and inner resignation, passive aggression and the inaccessibility as a person, man/woman, etc. for the respective partner.

Insecure feelings: relationships in fear

If one splits up relationship fears, one relationship and second fear remain. But in between lies a small, invisible word that gives the phenomenon of attachment anxiety its dimension: in. It’s the word “in,” which adds to the problem. People with a fear of relationships are also or primarily in relationships afraid and afraid to be afraid. Instead of this fear to have to endure day after day in the partnership, they develop better before the relationship scared so even be before the relationship into a solid partnership. SplitShire_9993Here, the fear of not being loved, because of silent beliefs, e.g. For example, not being lovable, not being satisfied, not being able to love, and not having earned closeness and love. It reminds many of the separation anxiety of a toddler from his parents, a mortal fear, and that’s where the bondage fear comes from. A free chat room is a big platform for finding new friends and their way to talk with strangers.

It is a helpless, childlike feeling, reminiscent of the “I made a mistake” feeling in childhood and adolescence, again in connection with abandonment. Even then, anxiety was considered a motivation in childhood and adolescence, and fear does not accompany us into adulthood for anything, especially when it comes to love and acceptance. As a punishment in those days was distance, averting, withdrawal of love and attention by the parents, room arrest and sanctions such as canceled pocket money. We have learned that we have to pay for our mistakes. This is often reflected in adulthood in many situations in which foreign claims prevent us from fulfilling our own needs.

If the fear of self-loss or narrowing, lack of freedom or loss is big enough, it becomes difficult between two people. Ending the relationship before it goes too deep makes it easier for many anxious. In women (I myself know that too well) psychology has even observed that they perceive a changed smell of men. This smell is then old-fashioned, while in men it is a changed look of the partner. They suddenly appear monster-like, unbalanced and the smallest negative sides look repugnant (the feeling disgust is supposed to provide distance), small and inadequate. My experience shows that again the situation for the other partner is just as hard to bear so that it can come from both partners to separations.

 

Examples of fear of closeness

If, after a date at the end of the evening, you are facing or sitting with the man/woman, with this forceful pressure in the air, you have to kiss yourself: Somehow you want it, but there is this other side that just wants to run away. Out of the car or into his usual environment. To be completely overwhelmed, to be able to endure his feelings and not to want to show that you really like the other person. But just the opposite can also indicate a deep-seated fear of true closeness, true intimacy (not necessarily sexuality or physical closeness). So when someone rushes towards you, at first overwhelmed with charm and attention, desperately wanting to “have” and then jerking off on success that also indicates a near-distance problem. Other features of attachment anxiety related to closeness are when: people retreat ad hoc after initial rapprochement (as though they seem to have changed their minds), they say sentences like the following:

I want to be independent, be free and not get involved with anyone.

I do not want anything solid.

I do not want to look for someone.

I want to choose my life alone.

I cannot give you what you want.

They fall into a rigid or panic-like state of mind when deeper emotions (own and foreign) arise

They reject you and find excuses (sometimes loud or emotionally charged), to reject a person despite feelings,

They “push” their negative relationship experiences to others (projecting fear)

They provoke feelings, in order to be able to imagine a certain security always reaffirming that the partner still has feelings (through played dramas, on-off dynamics, jealousy, envy, “now or never” attitudes) not to be dropped during sex (sex looks like work) only sex contacts want always need sexy talk always wanting to be in the “power” position in the relationship have to have a clear sequence of time together determine / control how meeting/relationship should / should proceed

Fear of contracting or holidays, getting to know friends

Flawed/fussy (in the apartment or at the partner/search mistake or “fumble around”) complain about a lack of status or a lower reputation of the partner etc.

Furthermore, the demanded perfection of the bondage-anxious man is a signal for his own shadow: he knows about his lack of perfection, about his mistakes and quirks and does not seem to give them to anyone, but also does not want to reveal himself (otherwise he could be guilty of it that lives separate from love). Behind this apparent pleasure, however, is again the fear of separation and loss. Instead, you often hear/speak sentences like:

“It has nothing to do with you!”

“It’s my fault.”

“I do not deserve you.”

“Let us stay friends.”

“If you loved me, you would do Xyz!”

“I told you from the beginning that I do not want a relationship!”

“I am like that.”

“I cannot get out of my skin.”

“I’m not ready.”

“I just got a break behind me.”

“Do not be so.”

“If you were different (not x and y), things would be different, but so …!”

What can one do against the fear of the relationship and the bondage of his partner? How can one support the process of re-trusting?

I do not think that relationship anxiety is an emotional disorder in the sense of a “disease”. I had already written that in Part 1 – Relationship anxiety and characteristics of emotionally unavailable people. Mostly it is our fear not to be seen, to be forgotten, not to be loved, just human. (Of course, there are people who really do not love too much, just want to “have” a relationship to have one and not to be alone, there are also partners who cannot show love.) We’re forgiving about stamping, which is to classify in “good” and “bad” pots, today too fast. The fear that can exist before, in and after relationships can be changed. If you have a bond-hungry partner or your partner in the heart does not want a relationship with you because of their fear, there are some levers that you can manipulate it and around you – without any manipulation.

It is also the “work” on one’s own feelings that one can learn to endure. Giving yourself a new chance, as well as the bond-hungry partner (if open to his own healing) would be a wonderful start for something that could be quite beautiful and mutually satisfying. Of course, you can only find out if you try at a free chat room website or free chat room app. Another hands talks to strangers are the best place where we talk with strangers and find new friends.

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